Funny Things Forgotten

What happens when you take a short break from journaling? Funny things are forgotten. There have been 10-20 things that Madi and Saige have Done/Said in the last month that I made a mental note to write them down but never actually wrote them down. I have high-hopes to remember what some of them were but lets face it-it probably won't happen. So, I am committing to do better with typing it up the minute after I make that mental note!

One of the reasons I have been forgetful lately is that we have had a lot going on. We have decided to try a round of In-vetro. We spoke with a specialist (Dr. Wilcox) in Pasadena and he believes that my other fallopian tube isn't functional, so this is our only option for having more kids. I have been on the fence about it-so many decisions and I go back a forth all the time wondering if we are doing the right thing. Sometimes I feel like this is God's way of telling us that we should just be grateful for the healthy, wonderful girls that we already have. Sometimes I feel like I am such a bad mom that God is trying to tell me to not have any more. Sometimes I feel like we made a Sacred covenant to multiply and replenish the earth and we should use all means possible to fulfill this commandment. I also feel like if we don't try to do something about it now, we may have regrets later. I guess in the end, I really feel like I could be fine with only having 2 children, BUT, I want my girls to have more siblings. I think all of the time about my mom and the trials she went through to have children. It is AMAZING that she didn't stop after Stef and I. But what if she had? I can't imagine my life without my little brothers. I love them so much and we were SO happy when they joined our family. So, I am willing to give it a shot (no pun intended-Brett will have to give me lots of shots during this process).

The thing I am most worried about are the drugs that they have to put you on. I have heard from multiple people that they make you crazy, and since I am already crazy you can see why I am so worried. I am so afraid that they will turn me into a monster. I am so afraid of how I will treat Brett and the girls. It's not fair to treat the kids I already have like crap, just so that we can have more children.

This blog may turn into an outlet for me to write down all of my random thoughts during this process. So, forgive me for what I may feel or write over the next couple of months. The doctor told Brett that I get to have a "get out of jail free card" over the next few weeks while I am on the crazy drugs. I am praying for the best but expecting the worst...